Thursday 30 August 2012

Sad Song

I haven't been blogging recently. Mainly because I am really sad. I know I am really sad because this week, there were two moments where I felt a tiny bit happy and it was a feeling I kind of recognise but haven't felt for a long time. In fact recently I have had this persistent, pervading thought that I just can't imagine ever being happy again. 

I am going on holiday to San Francisco next week with one of my bestest friends. We are going to shop, tour wineries, eat amazing food and I should be peeing myself with excitement. I am not. I don't want to go. 

I have burnt out. I am seriously stressed and just can't kick myself out of this ridiculous slump. It's as though I am stood watching myself, clapping my hands impatiently and telling me to pull my socks up. But I can't. I have an amazing network of family and friends all of whom would do anything for me. For some reason I just can't bring myself to let my guard down and admit how terrible I have been feeling. 

I am still dating a lovely, lovely man. We went away to the Lakes last weekend. He gave me a card telling me how happy I have made him and how the last four months have been incredible. And they have! The only way I can explain it is that I feel as though I am pretending to be his girlfriend. It's like I am on a boyfriend exchange (like a school exchange) where I get to try something else for 6 months but then go back to my old life and relationship, which has been hanging around in the background, taunting me all the time. Like someone's trying to tell me, 'you didn't just think you could leave all this behind and start afresh did you? Oh no no no....'

I had a brief chat with my brother recently and when he asked how it was going with my new man, I said it is going well but fear I am coming across as a mental. He replied that as long as I keep it in the quirky mental ball park I am fine. Just don't cross into the psychologically scarred camp. That is bad. Apparently.

I am not sure which ballpark/camp I am in at the moment to be honest. Generally he laughs at me and thinks it is cute that I totally spun out at something silly. All I want to to is cry and tell him that I am actually falling apart at the seams and it isn't funny or cute.  So there has to be a middle ground, right? Quirky not scarred, quirky not scarred....

In an attempt to feel better, I am going to do three things I like doing to feel more like myself, and one thing I do not like doing:

1. Reading
2. Walking with my beautiful pedigree chum
3. Writing. This. 
4. Tell the guy I am dating that I am in a mess but please bear with me and I'll be just fine

Wish me luck :(
 

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