Here Comes My Man

Is it too early to suggest I have already been blown away by somebody's brilliance? More of that later but it is my pleasure to report that I have definitely turned a corner and the shitness is subsiding. It's early days but things are looking up. It's times likes these when you start to realise the importance of amazing family and friends and realise that I did last weekend. My cousin got married and despite having mixed feelings about attending my first wedding without a man on my arm, it was just wonderful. I was a bridesmaid AND I did a reading. Seriously they should pay me for this shit. It was an all round super day and it felt like I was watching a sister, not a cousin.

Of course it didn't pass without a couple of minor mortifying moments:

Horrendous wedding moment # 1 - this happened on the dance floor. I think we were dancing to the Stone Roses so imagine an all round happy me banging imaginary drums to my heart's content.

Male relative: where is Mr. LK tonight?

Me: international sign for knife across throat indicating it was not a matter up for discussion

Male relative: What?! Not another one! What's wrong with you woman? You need to stop thinking about your career and find yourself a man!

Thanks. Cunt.

Horrendous wedding moment # 2 - a particularly buxom family friend decided that to make up for asking where Mr. LK was earlier that day, she would ensure that I caught the bouquet. Who throws a bouquet in 2012?! My cousin, actually. We were summoned to the dance floor and as the bouquet flew though the air, over my head (phew), said family friend barged her way through a crowd of eager (desperate) women and dived to catch it. And catch it she did. And she ran back to me with the bouquet held aloft. And she handed it to me, and lifted me up and made me punch the air with mock glee. I did all of this to rapturous applause. It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. Apart from burning my nipple with an iron. That was bad. But I don't care about any of that. I tore up the dance floor, drank copious amounts of alcohol to the sheer astonishment of my parents (I think they were secretly impressed) and pulled the groom's friend. A Tory councillor. Suitably disgraceful behaviour and it felt bloody amazing!

So, the real reason I am walking around with a big grin on my face is this. I am going on a date. With a man. From the Internet. We have been having marathon textathons every night for the past week and I feel like a teenager. A SERIOUSLY sleep deprived one at that. He is taking me out on Saturday to a pub in the Northern Quarter and we are going to have a jukebox-off. He is a geeky indie kid with a maths degree. He laughs at my stupid jokes and has a sense of humour possibly a shade more purile than my own. He said that if the date goes well he will treat me to a bag of peanuts. He asked about my exit plan - he has an emergency phone call lined up for 9pm. I told him that I am bringing my own bar snacks and that if anyone asks, I am going to say that I ordered him off the Internet. We have dissected our date in such detail that I am slightly nervous it will be a disappointment. He said "we will be ok". Four words so simple that my heart sang. And then slumped when I realised that those four words cold have saved my last relationship. That is all I ever wanted him to say. Boom. So in the build up to our date, I will undoubtedly make notes on what I will say if the chat dries up (it won't), what I will wear (I've already told him) and the many ways that I plan to stop myself from retreating to his place at the end of the night (where he lives, alone). I can't do that. This could be too good. I will keep you posted.

Take me out tonight

Nice looking lady pirate seeks sexy socialist. Must like dogs. Upon meeting you I will be nervous and tell stupid jokes. I will also swear a lot. If I ever come to your house I will scour your shelves for good books and good music and I will judge you on this basis. Special skills include being able to identify most forest animals by their footprints alone, a skill I was completely unaware of until an especially exciting episode of University Challenge. I will beat you at University Challenge. Other excellent skills: eye of the hawk, ear of the wolf, strength of the bear, speed of the puma. Must have own house, car, hair and teeth. If you like the Buble or the Lighthouse Family we are not going to get on. If you pick me up for our first date and you're playing there is a light that never goes out then you have fulfilled a small fantasy. If you are Graham Coxon even better. I'll do pretty much anything for a pack of bourbons. To be fair I only used some of the above when writing my online dating profile. I didn't expect to be single at 32 and it has been almost entirely shit so far. That said I possess this overwhelming belief that this is all transient and that I am definitely going to meet someone at some point that will totally blow me away with his sheer brilliance. Optimistic I know but I just think it's going to happen and the thought that I have yet to meet him is pretty exciting. So in the meantime, I will continue to browse my lefty loving dating site for an appropriately skinny and bearded soul who will love me and my dog just the way we are. Some interesting observations about online boys in the meantime: - nearly all of them describe themselves using hideous generalisms such as easy going, fun loving, laid back. Seriously, who doesn't love fun?!? - a high percentage of them use the ubiquitous mountain climbing photo to lure you in. It's the online dating equivalent of Ron Burgundy doing bicep curls in the office - the vast majority really like spending time with their friends and family. No shit. Cutting through the chaff appears to be quite difficult but my head has been turned by a hottie in a karate kid Tshirt. It's a start. Anyway, online dating is not the only thing that's busying my days but for now it's a fun thing to blog about and if you want to know more you'll have to keep checking in.