Tuesday 24 July 2012

Let's talk about sex (and some other stuff)

Yesterday I told Ex2 about Karate Kid. 'How very grown up and civilised!', I hear you exclaiming. Erm, no not really. I had tried  to get in touch with him but couldn't so I emailed him. At work. This is why:

1. I want to introduce my new boyfriend to my friends, the majority of whom are mutual.
2. I want to go out with him. Properly. Without the fear of people seeing us. I really want to give this a go.

I felt terrible after I did this. Knowing my ex's emotionally fragile state, it was a risk and the last thing I need at the moment is a teary phone call. Last night however I had a lovely cosy dinner with said mutual friends and was reassured that I have done the right thing and actually feel pretty fab today. For the first time I can feel my shoulders relaxing and can see myself just going. with. the. flow.

To put this into perspective, I often have to remind myself why we split up in the first place. This blog so far has focused on the fun and general frippery of being single and embarking on new adventures. Sorry to put a downer on things on a sunny Tuesday chaps but a bit of context is always good.

My ex-relationship was less than healthy. I actually knew this from early on but as I saw that things weren't quite as they should be, I started to see myself as the person who could save me/him/us from the situation. I would be the girlfriend who turned things around and we would live happily ever after! Albeit very unconventionally. If I were to give one piece of advice to my younger self, it would be this: go with your gut instinct. If it looks like a racoon, smells like a racoon and walks like a racoon...it's pretty much a racoon. As a confident, professional, career driven and all round sensible young lady, I am ashamed that I let things get so bad and find it very difficult to rationalise and reconcile the person I was before and I am now, with the person I became. Three reasons:

1. I was in a verbally abusive relationship. There. I said it. I wasn't a beaten girlfriend. I wasn't a nervous reck. But at regular intervals over a 6 year period, I was spoken to in the most disrespectful way I can imagine. I was told things about myself that were untrue. I was called names that I find difficult to say out loud to myself when I am on my own. I started to believe that the things he said were true.

2. I was controlled and manipulated. In between the nastiness, I was told I was wonderful, amazing, beautiful. It was a confusing place to be in. Gradually, bit by bit, most elements of my life were adjusted to fit in with someone else's perfecting standards. From the way I unloaded the supermarket shopping to the way I ironed shirts (cringe) I was never quite good enough. I became grateful of the complements. If someone could be so nice to me, surely I was making a big deal out of the bad bits?

3. I was in a sexless relationship. Out of everything that led to the breakup, this was the major issue that ran like a constant negative force throughout the time we were together.This is something I will write more about at another time. As a woman, it is almost a taboo to admit that your partner does not want you  'in that way' but it happens. More often than you would imagine. And it is devastating. There was never any kind of intimacy in our relationship. That amazing period at the start of a new relationship, where you get to know each other intimately and basically shag like rabbits. That never happened. And as time went on it got worse and worse and my confidence sank lower and lower. According to Wikipedia, a sexless marriage means less than 10 times per year. I was in a sexless (non)marriage and it hurt a lot.

I am pleased to say I have moved on and barely recognise my former self. He has not. He is living with his parents, rejecting his friends and sinking into an all round bad place. I have tried to help. I actually felt guilty about this. So to have sent a very clear message that I am moving on is very liberating and means that he is now someone else's problem. Harsh, but given the issues I have described, more than fair. 

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