Say no to love!

So at the moment I am NOT a lovesick lady pirate. I remain a lady pirate. I am just looking for something slightly different. Not that. Get your mind out the gutter. Well maybe that but other stuff too. I think it might be...shock horror...friendship. That's right. I want to hang out. Hang loose? Chillax? Whatever the kids are saying today. That's what I want to do. 

And for the main part, that's what I am doing. I am going to gigs, watching films, going out for lazy lunches. I am saying all of this because I have a gut feeling that my current beau (2 months in) may be on the cusp of moving things on. I remain smitten with him. Totally. 

Allow me to explain. This week I also indulged in one of my terrible habits and bought a lady-brain diminishing magazine. Let's call it Marie Claire. Ok it was Marie Claire. There was the predictably annoying article on dating. As though the entire rest of the magazine is targeted at women with fellas and us single ladies are afforded 3 pages of patronising BS about taking dating lessons. There was however one moment that rang true with me. It was about a woman, who at 31 became single. She commented at the irony of spending her 20's playing married couples whilst all her girlfriends rocked the dating scene and now they are all settling to marry, she finds herself single and apparently clueless.  

I can relate to this in some ways. Since the age of 18, I have spent approximately 12 months as a single person. I always exaggerate this if people ask me but if I am really honest, it's about 12 months. It was an awesome 12 months. After ex1, I was a mess. It was my first real experience of heartbreak and I felt as though someone had ripped my insides out.  Gradually though, the feeling of liberation crept up on me. So hang on...I can do WHATEVER I like? WHENEVER I like? And I don't have to think about ANYONE else?! Oh...and I can kiss boys at discos as well? Why didn't anyone tell me about this before? So I went out, had fun, started smoking again (just because I could) and kissed boys in discos. I slept in the MIDDLE of my double bed and marvelled at the space around me. I listened to loud music late at night on my headphones and danced around my bedroom like a loon. I also ate nothing but crumpets for 3 months. I wouldn't recommend that as a lifestyle choice but it was still kind of fun. When I met ex2 I was coming to the end of my adventure but I wasn't ready to give up the fun just yet. Eventually I was persuaded to hang my single shoes up and we got together, we moved in and pretty much played house. In all this time though, I didn't give up my independence. I was adamant that I would pretty much carry on as before, just with a man on my arm. And here's the thing. I don't want to do that again. If and when I find love again, I want to jump in, both feet and GO. FOR. IT. Regardless of what might happen. I don't want to be conscious of the single life I am giving up because I won't be giving things up. I'll be making things better. So when it happens, I want to make sure it's the right person. And that's why the thought of love terrifies me at the moment.